The Wonder of Change

Well, I feel for some reason I need to blog again. I am not very consistent with posting- simply writing when I feel led to. Thank you to those who are truly interested in my life and supporting me with your prayers.

This week I am taking a trip with my Mom. I’ve been desperate for a vacation and glad it is finally approaching. My life has had some changes in it and I know it always helps to get away for a while- to escape the normal and cherish it a little more when you return!

Two months ago I was laid off. Leaving work that day the radio sang out, “I know He holds my life, my future in His hands” [Because He Lives (Amen) by Matt Maher] and I knew all would be for His glory! The Lord graciously allowed my little niece to be born on the same day and gave me so much joy in the disappointment. I’m looking for a job and that comes with an entire bucket of frustrations, but I’m thoroughly enjoying the “time off” to love on my niece and nephew! They are growing so quickly and I keep having the nagging feeling that I won’t always be a part of their daily lives. They bring a smile to my face and heart!

I’ve been taking this time to go through all the boxes of “stuff” I’ve acquired through the years. It’s been a lot harder than I thought- not the decisions of what to part with, but the re-living of the memories. Realizing my selfishness as a teenager and the foolishness of my heart. How I wish I had cherished the people that matter the most. Friendships come and go- that’s part of life, but, I know now that my family will not always be there. My sister isn’t here to make any more memories with and I know that other families face that fact too. It’s a reality check, one that I am reminded of daily.

That is why a circumstance that could be upsetting is a precious gift from God! To spend time with my family and with the Lord has been such a huge blessing! Seeing the wonder and excitement of a child and knowing that I am God's- yet where is my wonder and excitement at the new things He shows me?

I have had some amazing times in God’s Word and He has been filling my dry soul with the water of His promises! I am amazed at how the Lord places me exactly where I need to be! I have watched Godly people speak His truth into individual’s lives and I am ready. I am ready to be the one speaking! Yet I am so humbled by my inadequacy and an overwhelming reality that I will never understand fully His grace, wisdom and sovereignty.

So, change is here once again. How will He use me? How will He instruct me? How will He love me? It's a wonder to discover! 

     

            

Great is Thy Faithfulness!

     The hymn "Great Is Thy Faithfulness" has been a favorite song that has followed me throughout my life but especially through my college years and beyond! It was one that I struggled to sing when times were hard and it took almost a year before I could play it in church after Amy died. I love the passage of scripture where it is quoted.... Lamentations 3:22-24 "Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassion's never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him.""

     This past year has been a busy one: my sister's engagement and marriage, a new car, a baby shower, my nephew's birth, a friend's wedding, a conference in Arizona, many friend's came to visit, a niece on the way, time together with family, and work. Work. That's a crazy word that satisfies many people's wondering's about my life. Well, the happenings of the past two weeks has jolted my life a bit and I would like to write a little about my one "job" that I had. It was a different kind of work and one that I am most grateful to have had and gone through.

                                

                   

                                 

      Dale and Dorthy had attended my church since I was a little girl, but I never really got to know them until I got a call from my pastor, met with their daughter, and started caring for them every weekend! It was a blessing to have another part-time job! Even though their health was bad and they were elderly, they taught me so much! They opened up their hearts to me! They were joyful and accepting of the help I gave them. Never have I met any couple who has been so thankful for each little thing that I did for them no matter if it was cooking super or combing their hair! Dorothy would kiss my hand and hold it to her face- her sign of affection and thankfulness and love. Dale was just so thankful and joyful for the smallest thing- like gumdrops and compliments! His laugh was infectious! They taught me so much about marriage, about life, about love. Many people knew them when they were younger and could get around better and communicate better. But the Lord knew I needed to know them now. Now, when Dale struggled to talk understandably and when Dorothy was so forgetful. They both struggled with various pains. Soon after I started working there was when Amy went into the hospital and joined the Lord shortly after. It was hard for me to care for Dale and Dorothy because of the various reminders of Amy's hospitalization, but it was so good for me to face them also. Through caring for them, I was able to force myself to see miracles in the little things again. I had time to study God's Word while they took their morning naps and I learned to sing again! They were much like my own grandparents that had entered heavens gates not too long ago. They had attended the same church and had "hung out" together! Dale was a veteran and so was my grandpa! Dorothy had loved to cook and garden, and so did my grandma!

                               

      Two weeks ago, Dorothy joined my grandma and grandpa and sister in heaven. She had struggled with a sickness and was ready to go. It was sad, it was hard. I was "The Greenawalt Girl" to her. She taught me how to do crossword puzzles and to realize that it can be exciting to watch cows! We enjoyed doing laundry together and eating and talking!

      Three days later- the day of Dorothy's funeral- I heard that Dale had joined her. It was unexpected and all were in shock. In all reality, I think he just wanted to be with her and couldn't wait any longer. There were times when they "put up" with each other, but there were other times that they were so sweet to one another! Dorothy may have forgotten many things, but she seemed to always remember that Dale was her husband! He checked on her often and if she got too worked up he would get up to find out what was wrong. He had a compassion and a love for her and for those who cared for him. He spoke his mind, but laughed things off- somehow forbidding the moment to turn awkward! He was the most fit and active older man that I have ever met!   

            

     Grief is a weird thing for me. There are little precious things that I see or experience that reminds me of the one I am missing. I tend to hold these moments in- not wanting to share them in case they may spoil simply by sharing them. But sometimes it is better to share- to help someone else see the legacy an individual left. It's how they continue to teach. When I experienced the lose of my sister, the thing I missed the most was sitting and holding her hand. Well, the Lord knew that and gave me such a great gift: to hold the hands of these two dear people and feed them and brush their hair and to sing to them- all the things that I had missed doing with my sister so much. It was a wonderful, wonderful gift! Though days were wearysome- it never really felt like a job. I was so blessed to have had these two people in my life! Heaven has healed them both entirely and I have healed through serving them. God has faithfully been weaving my path and has given me the strength I've needed so desperately at times! I am so thankful for His love and grace that have seen me through and will continue to surround me in the future! 

March 9th

    Today is March 9th. It would have been Amy's 32nd birthday. I don't know how to prepare for this day. Instead of celebrating, we take balloons to the cemetery. Missing her on my birthday is one thing, but missing her on her birthday is a whole different ball game. We are going away, it'll be a good distraction. 

    Last year around May or June I noticed a scripture calendar a friend gave me had been forgotten about in all that was going on. It was stopped on this day. And it remains on this day because this is what it says:

 "We throw open our doors to God and discover at the same moment that he has already thrown open his door to us. We find ourselves standing where we always hoped we might stand out in the wide open spaces of God's grace and glory, standing tall and shouting our praise. Romans 5:2 MSG" 

    It sits beside the pictures I have of Amy and reminds me that this day and every day she is standing tall and shouting her praise to the Lord in the glory of His presence!!!

Birthdays

    Birthday's can be a strange thing sometimes. It's the day people celebrate the day that God chose to bring them into this world. Today is my birthday. I realize I have been blessed beyond measure by the people God has brought into my life. From far and near, he has surrounded me with love! 
     Knowing my birthday and Thanksgiving was ahead, this week was not the easiest. Realizing Amy would be absent in it all is such a hard thing to swallow. Tears as I remembered birthday's past and knowing it would be different. But, Amy is in Heaven. And I started thinking- if we celebrate the day God brought us to this world, maybe we will celebrate the day God brought us into the next. Maybe there will be birthdays in Heaven- it may be on the day we accepted Christ Jesus as the only One who could save us from sin and Hell or it may be on the day we stepped from this earthly life into the Heavenly one! Maybe I'm a little crazy, but this was a thought I had and it gave me joy since Amy loved birthday's so much! 
       My co-workers celebrated my birthday on Wednesday because of the upcoming holiday. What a blessing they have all been to me! I felt so special! My family and I celebrated Thanksgiving on Thursday and since the family was together we opened presents. Blessings from friends from afar and thoughtful gifts from family. I wouldn't have had it any other way. Today I am shopping with my sister-in-law! Grateful for a day off and an adventure ahead as I tackle my first black Friday shopping!
        Amy is missed, it is hard, but- I am going to be thankful. Lately thankfulness has been hard to come by. I have let myself be led down paths of selfish resentment and depression. I have been avoiding God's Word and the results have not been the greatest. This must stop and I must begin to be thankful. 

This was my birthday last year- the pictures aren't the greatest, but Amy was there. I'm so glad for the birthday's I had with her!

God's love still amazes me. 

The Corn Tunnel

Throughout my life I have seen that I go through tunnels of waiting, discontentment, and fear at different stages. Then a big decision is made.

       Every day I drive through a farm just down the road. This Summer they planted the corn on both sides of the road. Some didn't like to drive through it because of the blind curb, but I saw it as a challenge. A challenge to God- a dare. Because my life was and is in His hands and He will take it when He chooses.

      But as Fall approached, I started to see that this stretch of road reminded me of where my life was at. I felt claustrophobic- I couldn't see what was next in my life. I was driving along and becoming tense over the curves in life, sometimes angry. I needed a change. I felt like I had been in a fog since Amy's heaven-going and my life was going nowhere. I wanted to be vibrant and beautiful and joyful like the bright colored leaves around me. I could see no way out, yet God knew- He knew the right time and place. He knew when I was truly ready. 

       And the decision came and the next step was presented. I was offered another job as a secretary/receptionist a little over a month ago. I had been working at Homewood for over two years. I loved the people and my co-workers. If I accepted this other job I would have to leave my comfortable road I was on and venture out. I was scared. I felt guilty. I was so close to thinking God had given up on me and my family- that He didn't care. I thought and prayed a little and made a decision. It was time for the corn to come down. It was time for me to break down the walls of my own selfishness and fear. It was time for a hard, but necessary change. God knew what was best. It was time to trust Him. 

       So three weeks ago I said goodbye to the job I knew, the people who had lifted me and my family up in prayer during the hardest time in our lives, and the dear friends I had made. I sobbed buckets as I walked to my car that day. But I was at peace and knew it was right. 

        And I started anew. A new job, new hours, new co-workers, and new things to learn. Once again I'm the new kid on the block! God has blessed me so much and He knew I needed this! I love to experience new things. Every experience and every job is either preparing me for something or shaping my character to be more how God wants me to be. He has provided and I am happy.

        The past two weeks the corn has been cut down on the farm- stored in barns for the winter, a new scene and a new speed. Looking towards the spiritual change about to awaken also! Missing Amy, but looking ahead through the tears to discover His love in the midst of it all.                                                       

Thoughts and Blessings

Sometimes I just cry. Some days I'm just sad. Some moments I just miss her so much.

Even though I have had a hard time reading God's Word, I have continued to be encouraged with music. Many artists are such an encouragement to me and many times the radio plays something that is so in tune to my heart. But a while ago I heard a song on the radio, "Who You Are" by JJ Heller. It was beautiful, but it bugged me. Within the song she says that God knows what it's like to lose a child. I just couldn't see that and I still don't. I talked with a friend about it and she agreed with my concerns and helped me understand a little better. I was frustrated with God for months because He didn't know. The "why" question always resurfaces. What I believe is that God never "lost" Jesus. The only moment Jesus was apart from His Father was when God placed the weight of the entire world's sin- past, present, and future- on His body and had to turn away and let Him suffer. That is the only way we could be saved. That is why Jesus said, "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?" and "I thirst." After that Jesus committed His spirit back to God before He died. God was never far from His Son. God does NOT know what it's like to lose a child. But God does know what it is like to watch your child suffer. And God has a character that can understand hurt and grief because He knows our thoughts and loves us. I tell this to you as a warning. Watch what you say to someone who is grieving- make sure it is Biblical encouragement and not just something that sounds nice!

There have been days that are hard and there have been days where blessings can be seen. It's so easy to look at the hard and dismiss the good. Yet I can't. In the little things there is a peace and happiness that God gives- like He's giving me a hug and saying it's ok and that He's here with me. So, here are a few blessings that God has granted me this past month. Things that bring a smile to my face and joy to my heart:
    ~ A sweet visit with a friend who's expecting her little one any day now. Conversation that flowed so smoothly- talking about Amy without the look of pity, but the look of understanding.
    ~ A friend giving me work shirts she didn't need. Just when I was about to buy some!
    ~ Appreciative people at work.
    ~ A new kitten- "Little Bit" or "Bitty"
    ~ A phone call with a friend from CIU. Talking about our sisters- hers has special needs too. Remembering the feelings of not understanding, learning to see how God used Amy to bring joy and love, and such a longing for glory and the joys that awaited. Realizing that she is there and experiencing them.
     ~ A photo shoot with my sister-in-law!
     ~ Seeing our neighbor's calf out running in the pasture
     ~ A new month- fall leaves are starting to show. And life is changing around us once more as winter approaches.

       The biggest blessing, though, was spending Labor Day with my sister. A whole day, just the two of us. We hiked and took pictures and saw beautiful things and talked. Amy was never far from our thoughts, 'cause she would have loved it! The water, the wind, the music. We wish for her presence, yet know she is happy. It is a blessing to have other siblings to share with. I can't imagine what it would be like without them. 

A Wedding Weekend!

          There are hymns that I tend to sing at various stages of my life. After high school it was, Great Is Thy Faithfulness. After Word of Life it was, Blessed Assurance. Now, for some reason, it is Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing. Is it because my heart is longing for blessings more than it ever has- because the biggest blessing has been taken? For those of you who don't know it, the lyrics are...

Come thou fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace
Streams of mercy never ceasing
Call for songs of loudest praise

Teach me some melodious sonnet
Sung by flaming tongues above
Praise the Mount I'm fixed upon it
Mount of Thy redeeming love

Here I raise my Ebeneezer
Hither by Thy help I come
And I hope by Thy good pleasure
Safely to arrive at home

Jesus, sought me when a stranger
Wondering from the fold of God
He, to rescue me from danger
Interposed His precious blood

Oh to grace, how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be
Let Thy goodness like a fetter
Bind my wandering heart to Thee

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it
Prone to leave the God I love
Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it
Seal it for Thy courts above

         About three weeks ago we packed our bags for a weekend and headed west. My girlfriend had surprised me by showing up to my brothers wedding a couple years ago and I was super excited to return the favor! The surprise went off wonderfully and her sister was so honored in our coming! I was not prepared for the Lord to speak to ME or my parents. I was there to help out with the wedding, to be the "single" friend that provides fellowship when siblings depart.
         But... the Lord puts you in places when your heart is ready and tender and uses instances to speak to you. The wedding ceremony was that place and time. The tears started as the father prayed before releasing her to her husband, I was in awe of the woman standing there. She who lives a life of such purity before the Lord. Not physical purity, though I have no doubts about that, but a SPIRITUAL purity- who has sought Him with her whole life. The ceremony continued- beautiful vows, a lesson on marriage, two candles united. They were presented as a married couple and then we sang. 
         We sang three songs- the view was entirely on the Lord and not the couple. That's when it hit me-hard. Here was a marriage and Christ calls us his beloved. He wants the bond of a marriage with us. He wants an intimacy in what I share with Him and a listening heart. And there was a break in my hard heart. For God's Word has had no appeal to me for quite some time. God had spoken through music and people and thoughts, yet I had pushed aside the Book He wrote for me. I had despised it. The song said, "You've always loved me before I'd even heard, and called me while I despised Your every word." I felt like the harlot that Hosea was commanded to love. Yet it was God loving me. And it was sung, "My heart owns none above You, for Your rich grace I thirst." And I realized I was thirsty again. Thirsty for God, my Kinsman Redeemer. And ready to start healing. Though healing was not present in Amy's life, it needs to start in mine. 
        The rest of the weekend was so refreshing spiritually. A young adult class that was studying Philippians- a book I had dwelt on daily in my last semester of college. And a hymn-sing that included the one I mentioned above.

Two lovely ladies I am honored to know!

       Now, a few weeks later life has taken some hard turns. Emotional healing will be slow and painful- just like physical healing. Sometimes it won't be fun. I am glad to have my family around me. I am glad for the prayers of friends. I am glad for the Lord, who's encouraging Word is there- ready for me.