Monday, April 29, 2013

No Words

I haven't known what to say.
I've never been very good at communication, but lately it's been worse. I haven't been able to even tell myself what my heart is feeling. It's just all jumbled up inside and the only thing that keeps me sane sometimes is to keep busy- to do something.
I read a novel this weekend. "Catching Fire"- the second book in the Hunger Games series. It was nice to place my emotions and thoughts into something fictional for a while. Some place that had it a lot worse than I do- even if it doesn't exist. In some weird way, it helps to read about others suffering too. I found comfort in reading Lamentations also- it was the first book I landed on after the dry spell. Now I am turning to 2 Corinthians. 
Words are my love language. I can be encouraged or depressed based on something someone has said or written to me. I have been encouraged by phone calls, voicemails, facebook messages, and cards from friends and strangers alike. But, I don't have words for my parent's grieving hearts. I don't have words for my own heart- just the simple truths of God's Word. My words have hurt, because my heart hurts. 
I've heard a song on the radio a lot: "Let my words be life, let my words be truth. I don't wanna say a word, unless it points the world back to you." (Hawk Nelson, "Words") And it hit me. 
Amy had no words either. 
She spoke with her eyes and her heart.
And that was enough. 
Her first audible sentence was in praise to the Lord. 
And it puts me to shame at the foolish words and conversations I've had. Amy spoke volumes, yet with no voice. I have a voice, and how many times have I used it to point the world back to the God who gave me that voice? Rarely. 
I had an invitation to hear Stuart McAllister tonight- a well-known biblical speaker. At any other time I would have jumped for the opportunity. Living in the little town we do, we rarely have opportunities like this. I love listening to him on the radio and respect his teachings a lot! But I couldn't tonight- my heart was too full. I knew it would be too much. But he is just a man speaking words. Yes, they are words of wisdom from God's Word and I know all who hear him will be blessed. But I also know that I will see him in Heaven one day and we can talk for hours about the Lord. Him and Ravi Zacharias and Amy! And the words will flow clearly and thoughts will be understood and hearts will be full of praise to the Lord!   

Monday, April 22, 2013

It's been a hard winter...

Two weeks ago today my sister walked into Heaven. This morning someone came and took her wheelchairs. Thinking through this task last night I realized that the wheelchair was not a restriction to Amy- it was her freedom on earth. We took her everywhere we possibly could in those chairs! We were annoyed with places that weren't accessible and carried her up places some people would have thought dangerous. Amy's chains was her physical body and her chains are now gone and now I'm hoping someone who also has physical earthly chains can use the wheelchairs that are no longer needed for Amy.... 

It's been a hard winter.
My brother and sister-in-law went to Montana for the winter. 
I started a weekend job taking care of an elderly couple.
A friend, diagnosed with cancer, started treatments. 
My grandfather entered Heaven in January. 
A friend's baby entered Heaven. 
And then Amy... 
We spent a month in the hospital getting our hopes up and dashed daily. 
She was a gem in our lives. 
Her gift was her smile and the twinkle in her eyes!
Oh how I miss her- the squeeze of her hand, her laughter, her presence. 
How I wish I had spent more time with her. 
I so look forward to spending eternity with her- to hear what her voice sounds like, to see her eating all her favorite foods, to see her praising God with her whole body! 
And now we start a new chapter- whether we like it or not. 
I'm realizing how important people are and how selfish I've been. 
God placed Amy in our lives to show us His love. 
I don't care what God wants to do with me, where He wants me to be. 
I just want to show others His love- like Amy did. 
I'm tired of throwing temper tantrums at God- if my dreams are not His then I'm ready to accept that. 
I'm still struggling with why and I'm still hurting- a lot.