Thoughts and Blessings

Sometimes I just cry. Some days I'm just sad. Some moments I just miss her so much.

Even though I have had a hard time reading God's Word, I have continued to be encouraged with music. Many artists are such an encouragement to me and many times the radio plays something that is so in tune to my heart. But a while ago I heard a song on the radio, "Who You Are" by JJ Heller. It was beautiful, but it bugged me. Within the song she says that God knows what it's like to lose a child. I just couldn't see that and I still don't. I talked with a friend about it and she agreed with my concerns and helped me understand a little better. I was frustrated with God for months because He didn't know. The "why" question always resurfaces. What I believe is that God never "lost" Jesus. The only moment Jesus was apart from His Father was when God placed the weight of the entire world's sin- past, present, and future- on His body and had to turn away and let Him suffer. That is the only way we could be saved. That is why Jesus said, "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?" and "I thirst." After that Jesus committed His spirit back to God before He died. God was never far from His Son. God does NOT know what it's like to lose a child. But God does know what it is like to watch your child suffer. And God has a character that can understand hurt and grief because He knows our thoughts and loves us. I tell this to you as a warning. Watch what you say to someone who is grieving- make sure it is Biblical encouragement and not just something that sounds nice!

There have been days that are hard and there have been days where blessings can be seen. It's so easy to look at the hard and dismiss the good. Yet I can't. In the little things there is a peace and happiness that God gives- like He's giving me a hug and saying it's ok and that He's here with me. So, here are a few blessings that God has granted me this past month. Things that bring a smile to my face and joy to my heart:
    ~ A sweet visit with a friend who's expecting her little one any day now. Conversation that flowed so smoothly- talking about Amy without the look of pity, but the look of understanding.
    ~ A friend giving me work shirts she didn't need. Just when I was about to buy some!
    ~ Appreciative people at work.
    ~ A new kitten- "Little Bit" or "Bitty"
    ~ A phone call with a friend from CIU. Talking about our sisters- hers has special needs too. Remembering the feelings of not understanding, learning to see how God used Amy to bring joy and love, and such a longing for glory and the joys that awaited. Realizing that she is there and experiencing them.
     ~ A photo shoot with my sister-in-law!
     ~ Seeing our neighbor's calf out running in the pasture
     ~ A new month- fall leaves are starting to show. And life is changing around us once more as winter approaches.

       The biggest blessing, though, was spending Labor Day with my sister. A whole day, just the two of us. We hiked and took pictures and saw beautiful things and talked. Amy was never far from our thoughts, 'cause she would have loved it! The water, the wind, the music. We wish for her presence, yet know she is happy. It is a blessing to have other siblings to share with. I can't imagine what it would be like without them. 

A Wedding Weekend!

          There are hymns that I tend to sing at various stages of my life. After high school it was, Great Is Thy Faithfulness. After Word of Life it was, Blessed Assurance. Now, for some reason, it is Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing. Is it because my heart is longing for blessings more than it ever has- because the biggest blessing has been taken? For those of you who don't know it, the lyrics are...

Come thou fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace
Streams of mercy never ceasing
Call for songs of loudest praise

Teach me some melodious sonnet
Sung by flaming tongues above
Praise the Mount I'm fixed upon it
Mount of Thy redeeming love

Here I raise my Ebeneezer
Hither by Thy help I come
And I hope by Thy good pleasure
Safely to arrive at home

Jesus, sought me when a stranger
Wondering from the fold of God
He, to rescue me from danger
Interposed His precious blood

Oh to grace, how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be
Let Thy goodness like a fetter
Bind my wandering heart to Thee

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it
Prone to leave the God I love
Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it
Seal it for Thy courts above

         About three weeks ago we packed our bags for a weekend and headed west. My girlfriend had surprised me by showing up to my brothers wedding a couple years ago and I was super excited to return the favor! The surprise went off wonderfully and her sister was so honored in our coming! I was not prepared for the Lord to speak to ME or my parents. I was there to help out with the wedding, to be the "single" friend that provides fellowship when siblings depart.
         But... the Lord puts you in places when your heart is ready and tender and uses instances to speak to you. The wedding ceremony was that place and time. The tears started as the father prayed before releasing her to her husband, I was in awe of the woman standing there. She who lives a life of such purity before the Lord. Not physical purity, though I have no doubts about that, but a SPIRITUAL purity- who has sought Him with her whole life. The ceremony continued- beautiful vows, a lesson on marriage, two candles united. They were presented as a married couple and then we sang. 
         We sang three songs- the view was entirely on the Lord and not the couple. That's when it hit me-hard. Here was a marriage and Christ calls us his beloved. He wants the bond of a marriage with us. He wants an intimacy in what I share with Him and a listening heart. And there was a break in my hard heart. For God's Word has had no appeal to me for quite some time. God had spoken through music and people and thoughts, yet I had pushed aside the Book He wrote for me. I had despised it. The song said, "You've always loved me before I'd even heard, and called me while I despised Your every word." I felt like the harlot that Hosea was commanded to love. Yet it was God loving me. And it was sung, "My heart owns none above You, for Your rich grace I thirst." And I realized I was thirsty again. Thirsty for God, my Kinsman Redeemer. And ready to start healing. Though healing was not present in Amy's life, it needs to start in mine. 
        The rest of the weekend was so refreshing spiritually. A young adult class that was studying Philippians- a book I had dwelt on daily in my last semester of college. And a hymn-sing that included the one I mentioned above.

Two lovely ladies I am honored to know!

       Now, a few weeks later life has taken some hard turns. Emotional healing will be slow and painful- just like physical healing. Sometimes it won't be fun. I am glad to have my family around me. I am glad for the prayers of friends. I am glad for the Lord, who's encouraging Word is there- ready for me. 
      
  

Of "ministry" and "worship"

About two months ago I wrote the following...
     "Those who know me well know that when they ask me how I'm doing I will say "good" every time. If I'm having a particularly hard day I'll say "okay." I don't open up unless I'm pried open- like a can needing to be punctured first. Lately I haven't known what to think- kinda like a diabetic shock, going through life in a haze. Planting, weeding, watering, watching Alias with my Mom, reading books, going through work with a fake smile plastered on my face.
     But now I'm tired. I'm tired of hiding it all in, tired of acting like I'm okay. My sister is gone and NOTHING is the same. And life hurts and we argue and make a big deal about stuff that doesn't matter in eternity. Not one family in this world is perfect. Not one life. There is sin everywhere and I'm tired of people making a big deal out of some sin and not others. Can't we just be honest and stop with the secrets? Why can't we accept that we will NEVER attain perfection? I will never be good enough to meet my own standards, much less anyone else's. And I should never require perfection from another."
   
    Since then, I have thought over these feelings more. I had a friend come and visit me for a few days. This action of love forced me to go through my belongings I had acquired since the passing of my sister and grandfather. Tears came, but I picked myself up and knew I was going to have a good time with her and revisit the past and talk of the future. She was one of my first roommates in college and picking up a relationship seven years later I thought would be hard, but personalities rarely change and it was like we had shared our lives with each other all along. What a comfort her visit brought! And my hazy existence turned a page to what lies ahead. 
    Lately I've been thinking about the terms "ministry" and "worship". Personally, I think they coincide with one another. I was asked a while ago what my summer ministry would be this year and I was flabbergasted at the question. I was upset and it took me some time to realize why. Several years ago my mother taught me a very valuable lesson about "ministry" and "worship". Sometimes caring for Amy was very hard on my mother. It was redundant and she would be drained emotionally and physically at times. But, at some point, she took these emotions to the Lord and one day she shared with me that our loving God had shown her that caring for Amy was HER worship of HIM. Every diaper, spoonful of food, wheelchair restriction was her ministry to the Lord. And I saw a change from that point on. THIS is why I get upset when asked about ministry. Ministry is not just the various church activities we are involved in. God is glorified in our normal everyday things- it is the life He has put before us. And God knows the outcomes of our lives. I'm not saying that outreach or singing in church aren't necessary, just that God is glorified just as much, if not more with what we give him every day.
     And sometimes life sucks and I have to pull myself up off the ground and look. Look to see what He has put in place for me to worship Him through. Amy knew this lesson. She worshiped Him through every trial put her way with a smile on her face- you could see the joy in her heart! I only hope I can mimic that the rest of my life. 

Three Months...

     Amy and I had a movie we loved to watch called "Spirit". Many of Amy's movies I'd get tired of after a while, but this one I could never pull away from. Amy had a horse and I think Mom bought the movie for her. It's about a wild horse that is taken captive by western soldiers for labor, who escapes thanks to a native american and falls in love with his horse. The horse has many trials, but always wants to return to his  home in the wild. So, why is this movie so meaningful? 
    Amy had the soundtrack to the movie and would listen to it sometimes as she went to sleep. After we kissed her goodnight we'd turn off the light and turn on her music. This was the ritual for a long time- like many parents do. I've spent quite some time away from home through the years and have missed the evenings together. When I was home I'd lay with her in her bed and listen to her music with her and sing and talk to her. Oh, how I long for that time again. I have a few of her nightclothes and you can still smell just a hint of her. It's amazing what a smell can conjure in your heart.
     Well, there is this song from Spirit called "I Will Always Return" and I would sing it to her and tell her that no matter where I go, how far or how long, I will always return home to her.... I never imagined she wouldn't be home to return to one day. Every time I pull  up to the house I habitually look for her horse and it's not there either. I knew I needed to listen to the song again and the other day I did- and I burst out in tears.    
       'Cause she's HOME. And I hope she's running like a horse and flying like an eagle and all the cool and awesome things she's always wanted to do but could never tell me about. She is where she belongs. Another song from the CD says, "this place is paradise- it's the place I call home." She's seeing sunsets and rainbows. On July 4th, we witnessed a beautiful, vibrant double rainbow right in front of us- I just imagined Amy asking God, "Oh, can you put a rainbow right here. Right where I'd be if I were there!" 
          I can't "return" to Amy- but one day I will join her and we'll run and fly together! Now I'M "on my way home" because this world is not paradise- just glimpses of it! Three months ago, she slept in her bed for the last time and in the afternoon she "shone like the sun" as she entered heaven- her home.

                                            http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kXmmkvdIrHk

My Daddy, when the cold wind blows

           There is a song I have been reminded of a lot this past week. Emotionally it's been a hard week and I will blog more on that later. Today is Father's Day. Today there is one less child in our household to celebrate with. And my Daddy misses his Daddy.
          We've had some chilly winds these past few days and Sara Groves writes such good songs. This song is called "Song for my Sons," but what is said can be said for daughter's as well. It takes a great parent to know and accept that hard times will come in the life of their child or family. It takes a godly parent to say they will pray for strength and understanding when they don't know what's ahead. It takes a wise parent to caution their child about their ability to let their love grow cold and to remind them of God's goodness in the midst of turmoil.
           I am blessed with great, godly, and wise parents. My own fears have been stilled by watching them walk through grief. My daddy has so much compassion in his heart and it has been so easy to have love for my heavenly father because I have so much love for my earthly father. My daddy prays for his children, he provides for us, he loves us. And there is no way a child can ever repay that.
           Sorry I have no video or website to link- I can't find one. It's on her "Tell Me What You Know" CD.

                                                              "Song For My Sons"

This is a song for my sons for when they understand it
You know how life is full you know we couldn't plan it
your dad and I prayed for strength and understanding
for things we couldn't see or comprehend

This is a song for you, to carry in your pocket
take all our love with you in all the paths you walk in
I can't say your life will always go like it should
but I can say that God is always good

and when the cold wind blows like I know it will
and when you feel alone like I know you will
and when the cold wind blows like we know it will

Don't let your love grow
Don't let your love grow
Don't let your love grow cold

This is a song for my sons for when they understand it
You know how life is full you know we couldn't plan it
your dad and I prayed for strength and understanding
for things we couldn't see or comprehend

This is a song from my heart a small refrain to hold you
for times when we're apart and I cannot console you
Be honest with yourself and don't forget to pray
and read your bible everyday

and when the cold wind blows like I know it will
and when you feel alone like I know you will
and when the cold wind blows like I know it will

Don't let your love grow
Don't let your love grow
Don't let your love grow cold

This is a song for my sons for when they understand it
You know how life is full you know we couldn't plan it
your dad and I prayed for your strength and understanding
for things you cannnot see or comprehend.

A Weekend with Friends

Last week I went away.

I left my home where so many reminders of Amy dwell and went down south. I’ve made this trip many times- down to the place where I spent 3 years of my life, got an education, and made a lot of friends. I’d been planning this trip for about a year and it could not be postponed. I knew it would be good for me, but I was scared. Scared that I’d have to open up more deeply, scared that I would not be able to be joyful on this trip that should be treasured.

I heard a song on the radio that I had sung before, but had not heard for a while. It’s called “Gratitude” and is a prayer asking God for rain, food, shelter, and peace but if He does not give them we will still thank Him for what we do have and for the lessons He will teach us through that (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-PEzM-4VXdg). My mother and I talked before I left about looking again for the gifts God’s giving us daily. Thankfulness sparks joy. But, I’m not there yet.

I was happy last weekend. We visited old places we would hang out and did things we had wanted to do together. We talked about our lives and our future plans. In a way, we were reliving the past- but I knew the whole time that Amy wasn’t there. She wasn’t a phone call away or waiting for me when I got home like she had been. So many reminders of her no matter where I go. But my friends were there- a miracle in itself- so we laughed and gave back massages and explored and ate. We spent the precious time God gave us with one another. I am so thankful God allowed us to be together once again.

 And I was so proud of my dear friend who persevered and stayed to get her Master's degree. I'm so glad to have gotten to share life with her- some friendships will last a lifetime! 

And as I drove home I realized that I was ready to accept the change. My college years have ended- the campus does not excite me anymore. My friends have parted ways and their lives are changing also. And home will never be the same.

It’s time for me to accept the fact that life will never return to the way it was.

My priorities have changed- I view relationships more highly now than I ever did. Certain topics seem so meaningless now in view of eternity and the temporariness of life here on earth. My goals have changed with the realization of God’s sovereignty that overrules any dreams I have. Before I was just going through the motions of what had to be done. Now it’s settling in my heart. I’m ready to teach again. I’m ready to sing and play in church again. I’m ready to work. Yet, I want to spend the precious moments God gives me with my family.

Amy gave us joy. It was her daily gift to our family and we are left without it- wondering how to retain it again. We are different and I feel somewhat lost. I wish I could have that deep down happiness again- but it's just too full of sadness and missing her right now. 

Somehow, at some point, with God's help and direction, joy will return.

She has hind's feet in the High Places!

So many memories flood our lives. So many reminders of Amy. Things she would love, things she did, things that happened. Just this morning, I was thinking about when we would help Amy walk and she would walk a few steps with us in front of her and then just stop- she had had enough and she wasn't budging anymore. She knew we would carry her the rest of the way and would laugh about it! 

I was talking to a friend the other day and she was describing how I'm feeling in such a pointed way that I knew the Holy Spirit was talking through her. How it seems like there is this mountain in front of me that I don't know how to get over and that at times I just feel so dry and thirsty. Little memories are my sips of water and they come infrequently, but at the times when I need them the most. 

I've been reading a book, "Hinds Feet in High Places," for a little over a year now. God knew I needed to pick the book back up when Amy was in the hospital and has provided just the right chapters. Almost a week ago, I had one of those nights when I felt so thirsty for a glimpse of Amy, for that feeling of her presence and God gave me a dream that night. A dream where I carried her and she felt so heavy (she really wasn't) and I was exhausted when I woke up. I usually read my Bible in the morning, but I had left it downstairs and so I read the next chapter in "Hinds Feet In High Places" (spoiler alert- if you are presently reading this book you might want to skip to the end of the post!). The main character is called Much-Afraid and (like Pilgrim's Progress) has taken this journey that the Shepherd has sent her on because He promised to make her crippled feet like hind's feet. She has endured much along this journey- taunting from Bitterness, Fear, Resentment, Pride, Self-Pity and precipices so steep or low that makes her doubt the Shepherd's wisdom. But the Shepherd gives her two companions to help her called Suffering and Sorrow. She finally she reaches a place where she is at peace and the final challenge she faces is to willingly have the flower of human love ripped from her heart. After that she sleeps and awakes in a green valley with vibrant flowers and birds singing and butterflies and insects and a river flowing.     

And here are excerpts from what I read that morning... 

   "The first thing she did, after she had taken in her surroundings, was to step toward the river which gushed out from under the alter. It drew her irresistibly. She stooped down when she got to the back and dabbled her fingers in the crystal water. It was icy cold, but it sent a shock of ecstasy tingling through her body, and without further delay she put off the white linen robe she was wearing and stepped into one of the rocky pools. Never had she experienced anything so delicious and exhilarating. It was like immersing herself in a stream of bubbling life. When at last she again stepped out of the pool she was immediately dry and tingling from head to foot with a sense of perfect well-being.

    As she stood on the mossy bank by the pool she happened to glance down and noticed for the first time that her feet were no longer the crooked, ugly things which they had always been, but were "straight feet," perfectly formed, shining white against the soft green grass.

As I read and wept I was reminded again that Amy's feet were given strength again and that perhaps there was a beautiful valley that she could discover each of the new abilities she received one at a time- her voice could speak and sing and she could run her fingers through her hair and pick and eat berries and all the many little things she can take joy in!

 It gave me peace and a realization that the memories and dreams I have are not her now. And a part of me is sad, because I can't help her anymore. Even in Heaven I won't be feeding her, carrying her, fixing her hair. She does those things on her own now. We will just be sisters- there for each other, talking and laughing together, sharing moments. It's a new role I have to prepare myself for and it's a little hard to swallow even though it will be grand and glorious when it happens. The mountain of grief and uncertainty about the future is high and it is only the Lord who will get me over it. And, like it's been my whole life, I'm going to have to go one step at a time.