Even though I have had a hard time reading God's Word, I have continued to be encouraged with music. Many artists are such an encouragement to me and many times the radio plays something that is so in tune to my heart. But a while ago I heard a song on the radio, "Who You Are" by JJ Heller. It was beautiful, but it bugged me. Within the song she says that God knows what it's like to lose a child. I just couldn't see that and I still don't. I talked with a friend about it and she agreed with my concerns and helped me understand a little better. I was frustrated with God for months because He didn't know. The "why" question always resurfaces. What I believe is that God never "lost" Jesus. The only moment Jesus was apart from His Father was when God placed the weight of the entire world's sin- past, present, and future- on His body and had to turn away and let Him suffer. That is the only way we could be saved. That is why Jesus said, "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?" and "I thirst." After that Jesus committed His spirit back to God before He died. God was never far from His Son. God does NOT know what it's like to lose a child. But God does know what it is like to watch your child suffer. And God has a character that can understand hurt and grief because He knows our thoughts and loves us. I tell this to you as a warning. Watch what you say to someone who is grieving- make sure it is Biblical encouragement and not just something that sounds nice!
There have been days that are hard and there have been days where blessings can be seen. It's so easy to look at the hard and dismiss the good. Yet I can't. In the little things there is a peace and happiness that God gives- like He's giving me a hug and saying it's ok and that He's here with me. So, here are a few blessings that God has granted me this past month. Things that bring a smile to my face and joy to my heart:
~ A sweet visit with a friend who's expecting her little one any day now. Conversation that flowed so smoothly- talking about Amy without the look of pity, but the look of understanding.
~ A friend giving me work shirts she didn't need. Just when I was about to buy some!
~ Appreciative people at work.
~ A new kitten- "Little Bit" or "Bitty"
~ A phone call with a friend from CIU. Talking about our sisters- hers has special needs too. Remembering the feelings of not understanding, learning to see how God used Amy to bring joy and love, and such a longing for glory and the joys that awaited. Realizing that she is there and experiencing them.
~ A photo shoot with my sister-in-law!
~ Seeing our neighbor's calf out running in the pasture
~ A new month- fall leaves are starting to show. And life is changing around us once more as winter approaches.
The biggest blessing, though, was spending Labor Day with my sister. A whole day, just the two of us. We hiked and took pictures and saw beautiful things and talked. Amy was never far from our thoughts, 'cause she would have loved it! The water, the wind, the music. We wish for her presence, yet know she is happy. It is a blessing to have other siblings to share with. I can't imagine what it would be like without them.