Birthdays

    Birthday's can be a strange thing sometimes. It's the day people celebrate the day that God chose to bring them into this world. Today is my birthday. I realize I have been blessed beyond measure by the people God has brought into my life. From far and near, he has surrounded me with love! 
     Knowing my birthday and Thanksgiving was ahead, this week was not the easiest. Realizing Amy would be absent in it all is such a hard thing to swallow. Tears as I remembered birthday's past and knowing it would be different. But, Amy is in Heaven. And I started thinking- if we celebrate the day God brought us to this world, maybe we will celebrate the day God brought us into the next. Maybe there will be birthdays in Heaven- it may be on the day we accepted Christ Jesus as the only One who could save us from sin and Hell or it may be on the day we stepped from this earthly life into the Heavenly one! Maybe I'm a little crazy, but this was a thought I had and it gave me joy since Amy loved birthday's so much! 
       My co-workers celebrated my birthday on Wednesday because of the upcoming holiday. What a blessing they have all been to me! I felt so special! My family and I celebrated Thanksgiving on Thursday and since the family was together we opened presents. Blessings from friends from afar and thoughtful gifts from family. I wouldn't have had it any other way. Today I am shopping with my sister-in-law! Grateful for a day off and an adventure ahead as I tackle my first black Friday shopping!
        Amy is missed, it is hard, but- I am going to be thankful. Lately thankfulness has been hard to come by. I have let myself be led down paths of selfish resentment and depression. I have been avoiding God's Word and the results have not been the greatest. This must stop and I must begin to be thankful. 

This was my birthday last year- the pictures aren't the greatest, but Amy was there. I'm so glad for the birthday's I had with her!

God's love still amazes me. 

The Corn Tunnel

Throughout my life I have seen that I go through tunnels of waiting, discontentment, and fear at different stages. Then a big decision is made.

       Every day I drive through a farm just down the road. This Summer they planted the corn on both sides of the road. Some didn't like to drive through it because of the blind curb, but I saw it as a challenge. A challenge to God- a dare. Because my life was and is in His hands and He will take it when He chooses.

      But as Fall approached, I started to see that this stretch of road reminded me of where my life was at. I felt claustrophobic- I couldn't see what was next in my life. I was driving along and becoming tense over the curves in life, sometimes angry. I needed a change. I felt like I had been in a fog since Amy's heaven-going and my life was going nowhere. I wanted to be vibrant and beautiful and joyful like the bright colored leaves around me. I could see no way out, yet God knew- He knew the right time and place. He knew when I was truly ready. 

       And the decision came and the next step was presented. I was offered another job as a secretary/receptionist a little over a month ago. I had been working at Homewood for over two years. I loved the people and my co-workers. If I accepted this other job I would have to leave my comfortable road I was on and venture out. I was scared. I felt guilty. I was so close to thinking God had given up on me and my family- that He didn't care. I thought and prayed a little and made a decision. It was time for the corn to come down. It was time for me to break down the walls of my own selfishness and fear. It was time for a hard, but necessary change. God knew what was best. It was time to trust Him. 

       So three weeks ago I said goodbye to the job I knew, the people who had lifted me and my family up in prayer during the hardest time in our lives, and the dear friends I had made. I sobbed buckets as I walked to my car that day. But I was at peace and knew it was right. 

        And I started anew. A new job, new hours, new co-workers, and new things to learn. Once again I'm the new kid on the block! God has blessed me so much and He knew I needed this! I love to experience new things. Every experience and every job is either preparing me for something or shaping my character to be more how God wants me to be. He has provided and I am happy.

        The past two weeks the corn has been cut down on the farm- stored in barns for the winter, a new scene and a new speed. Looking towards the spiritual change about to awaken also! Missing Amy, but looking ahead through the tears to discover His love in the midst of it all.                                                       

Thoughts and Blessings

Sometimes I just cry. Some days I'm just sad. Some moments I just miss her so much.

Even though I have had a hard time reading God's Word, I have continued to be encouraged with music. Many artists are such an encouragement to me and many times the radio plays something that is so in tune to my heart. But a while ago I heard a song on the radio, "Who You Are" by JJ Heller. It was beautiful, but it bugged me. Within the song she says that God knows what it's like to lose a child. I just couldn't see that and I still don't. I talked with a friend about it and she agreed with my concerns and helped me understand a little better. I was frustrated with God for months because He didn't know. The "why" question always resurfaces. What I believe is that God never "lost" Jesus. The only moment Jesus was apart from His Father was when God placed the weight of the entire world's sin- past, present, and future- on His body and had to turn away and let Him suffer. That is the only way we could be saved. That is why Jesus said, "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?" and "I thirst." After that Jesus committed His spirit back to God before He died. God was never far from His Son. God does NOT know what it's like to lose a child. But God does know what it is like to watch your child suffer. And God has a character that can understand hurt and grief because He knows our thoughts and loves us. I tell this to you as a warning. Watch what you say to someone who is grieving- make sure it is Biblical encouragement and not just something that sounds nice!

There have been days that are hard and there have been days where blessings can be seen. It's so easy to look at the hard and dismiss the good. Yet I can't. In the little things there is a peace and happiness that God gives- like He's giving me a hug and saying it's ok and that He's here with me. So, here are a few blessings that God has granted me this past month. Things that bring a smile to my face and joy to my heart:
    ~ A sweet visit with a friend who's expecting her little one any day now. Conversation that flowed so smoothly- talking about Amy without the look of pity, but the look of understanding.
    ~ A friend giving me work shirts she didn't need. Just when I was about to buy some!
    ~ Appreciative people at work.
    ~ A new kitten- "Little Bit" or "Bitty"
    ~ A phone call with a friend from CIU. Talking about our sisters- hers has special needs too. Remembering the feelings of not understanding, learning to see how God used Amy to bring joy and love, and such a longing for glory and the joys that awaited. Realizing that she is there and experiencing them.
     ~ A photo shoot with my sister-in-law!
     ~ Seeing our neighbor's calf out running in the pasture
     ~ A new month- fall leaves are starting to show. And life is changing around us once more as winter approaches.

       The biggest blessing, though, was spending Labor Day with my sister. A whole day, just the two of us. We hiked and took pictures and saw beautiful things and talked. Amy was never far from our thoughts, 'cause she would have loved it! The water, the wind, the music. We wish for her presence, yet know she is happy. It is a blessing to have other siblings to share with. I can't imagine what it would be like without them. 

A Wedding Weekend!

          There are hymns that I tend to sing at various stages of my life. After high school it was, Great Is Thy Faithfulness. After Word of Life it was, Blessed Assurance. Now, for some reason, it is Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing. Is it because my heart is longing for blessings more than it ever has- because the biggest blessing has been taken? For those of you who don't know it, the lyrics are...

Come thou fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace
Streams of mercy never ceasing
Call for songs of loudest praise

Teach me some melodious sonnet
Sung by flaming tongues above
Praise the Mount I'm fixed upon it
Mount of Thy redeeming love

Here I raise my Ebeneezer
Hither by Thy help I come
And I hope by Thy good pleasure
Safely to arrive at home

Jesus, sought me when a stranger
Wondering from the fold of God
He, to rescue me from danger
Interposed His precious blood

Oh to grace, how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be
Let Thy goodness like a fetter
Bind my wandering heart to Thee

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it
Prone to leave the God I love
Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it
Seal it for Thy courts above

         About three weeks ago we packed our bags for a weekend and headed west. My girlfriend had surprised me by showing up to my brothers wedding a couple years ago and I was super excited to return the favor! The surprise went off wonderfully and her sister was so honored in our coming! I was not prepared for the Lord to speak to ME or my parents. I was there to help out with the wedding, to be the "single" friend that provides fellowship when siblings depart.
         But... the Lord puts you in places when your heart is ready and tender and uses instances to speak to you. The wedding ceremony was that place and time. The tears started as the father prayed before releasing her to her husband, I was in awe of the woman standing there. She who lives a life of such purity before the Lord. Not physical purity, though I have no doubts about that, but a SPIRITUAL purity- who has sought Him with her whole life. The ceremony continued- beautiful vows, a lesson on marriage, two candles united. They were presented as a married couple and then we sang. 
         We sang three songs- the view was entirely on the Lord and not the couple. That's when it hit me-hard. Here was a marriage and Christ calls us his beloved. He wants the bond of a marriage with us. He wants an intimacy in what I share with Him and a listening heart. And there was a break in my hard heart. For God's Word has had no appeal to me for quite some time. God had spoken through music and people and thoughts, yet I had pushed aside the Book He wrote for me. I had despised it. The song said, "You've always loved me before I'd even heard, and called me while I despised Your every word." I felt like the harlot that Hosea was commanded to love. Yet it was God loving me. And it was sung, "My heart owns none above You, for Your rich grace I thirst." And I realized I was thirsty again. Thirsty for God, my Kinsman Redeemer. And ready to start healing. Though healing was not present in Amy's life, it needs to start in mine. 
        The rest of the weekend was so refreshing spiritually. A young adult class that was studying Philippians- a book I had dwelt on daily in my last semester of college. And a hymn-sing that included the one I mentioned above.

Two lovely ladies I am honored to know!

       Now, a few weeks later life has taken some hard turns. Emotional healing will be slow and painful- just like physical healing. Sometimes it won't be fun. I am glad to have my family around me. I am glad for the prayers of friends. I am glad for the Lord, who's encouraging Word is there- ready for me. 
      
  

Of "ministry" and "worship"

About two months ago I wrote the following...
     "Those who know me well know that when they ask me how I'm doing I will say "good" every time. If I'm having a particularly hard day I'll say "okay." I don't open up unless I'm pried open- like a can needing to be punctured first. Lately I haven't known what to think- kinda like a diabetic shock, going through life in a haze. Planting, weeding, watering, watching Alias with my Mom, reading books, going through work with a fake smile plastered on my face.
     But now I'm tired. I'm tired of hiding it all in, tired of acting like I'm okay. My sister is gone and NOTHING is the same. And life hurts and we argue and make a big deal about stuff that doesn't matter in eternity. Not one family in this world is perfect. Not one life. There is sin everywhere and I'm tired of people making a big deal out of some sin and not others. Can't we just be honest and stop with the secrets? Why can't we accept that we will NEVER attain perfection? I will never be good enough to meet my own standards, much less anyone else's. And I should never require perfection from another."
   
    Since then, I have thought over these feelings more. I had a friend come and visit me for a few days. This action of love forced me to go through my belongings I had acquired since the passing of my sister and grandfather. Tears came, but I picked myself up and knew I was going to have a good time with her and revisit the past and talk of the future. She was one of my first roommates in college and picking up a relationship seven years later I thought would be hard, but personalities rarely change and it was like we had shared our lives with each other all along. What a comfort her visit brought! And my hazy existence turned a page to what lies ahead. 
    Lately I've been thinking about the terms "ministry" and "worship". Personally, I think they coincide with one another. I was asked a while ago what my summer ministry would be this year and I was flabbergasted at the question. I was upset and it took me some time to realize why. Several years ago my mother taught me a very valuable lesson about "ministry" and "worship". Sometimes caring for Amy was very hard on my mother. It was redundant and she would be drained emotionally and physically at times. But, at some point, she took these emotions to the Lord and one day she shared with me that our loving God had shown her that caring for Amy was HER worship of HIM. Every diaper, spoonful of food, wheelchair restriction was her ministry to the Lord. And I saw a change from that point on. THIS is why I get upset when asked about ministry. Ministry is not just the various church activities we are involved in. God is glorified in our normal everyday things- it is the life He has put before us. And God knows the outcomes of our lives. I'm not saying that outreach or singing in church aren't necessary, just that God is glorified just as much, if not more with what we give him every day.
     And sometimes life sucks and I have to pull myself up off the ground and look. Look to see what He has put in place for me to worship Him through. Amy knew this lesson. She worshiped Him through every trial put her way with a smile on her face- you could see the joy in her heart! I only hope I can mimic that the rest of my life. 

Three Months...

     Amy and I had a movie we loved to watch called "Spirit". Many of Amy's movies I'd get tired of after a while, but this one I could never pull away from. Amy had a horse and I think Mom bought the movie for her. It's about a wild horse that is taken captive by western soldiers for labor, who escapes thanks to a native american and falls in love with his horse. The horse has many trials, but always wants to return to his  home in the wild. So, why is this movie so meaningful? 
    Amy had the soundtrack to the movie and would listen to it sometimes as she went to sleep. After we kissed her goodnight we'd turn off the light and turn on her music. This was the ritual for a long time- like many parents do. I've spent quite some time away from home through the years and have missed the evenings together. When I was home I'd lay with her in her bed and listen to her music with her and sing and talk to her. Oh, how I long for that time again. I have a few of her nightclothes and you can still smell just a hint of her. It's amazing what a smell can conjure in your heart.
     Well, there is this song from Spirit called "I Will Always Return" and I would sing it to her and tell her that no matter where I go, how far or how long, I will always return home to her.... I never imagined she wouldn't be home to return to one day. Every time I pull  up to the house I habitually look for her horse and it's not there either. I knew I needed to listen to the song again and the other day I did- and I burst out in tears.    
       'Cause she's HOME. And I hope she's running like a horse and flying like an eagle and all the cool and awesome things she's always wanted to do but could never tell me about. She is where she belongs. Another song from the CD says, "this place is paradise- it's the place I call home." She's seeing sunsets and rainbows. On July 4th, we witnessed a beautiful, vibrant double rainbow right in front of us- I just imagined Amy asking God, "Oh, can you put a rainbow right here. Right where I'd be if I were there!" 
          I can't "return" to Amy- but one day I will join her and we'll run and fly together! Now I'M "on my way home" because this world is not paradise- just glimpses of it! Three months ago, she slept in her bed for the last time and in the afternoon she "shone like the sun" as she entered heaven- her home.

                                            http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kXmmkvdIrHk

My Daddy, when the cold wind blows

           There is a song I have been reminded of a lot this past week. Emotionally it's been a hard week and I will blog more on that later. Today is Father's Day. Today there is one less child in our household to celebrate with. And my Daddy misses his Daddy.
          We've had some chilly winds these past few days and Sara Groves writes such good songs. This song is called "Song for my Sons," but what is said can be said for daughter's as well. It takes a great parent to know and accept that hard times will come in the life of their child or family. It takes a godly parent to say they will pray for strength and understanding when they don't know what's ahead. It takes a wise parent to caution their child about their ability to let their love grow cold and to remind them of God's goodness in the midst of turmoil.
           I am blessed with great, godly, and wise parents. My own fears have been stilled by watching them walk through grief. My daddy has so much compassion in his heart and it has been so easy to have love for my heavenly father because I have so much love for my earthly father. My daddy prays for his children, he provides for us, he loves us. And there is no way a child can ever repay that.
           Sorry I have no video or website to link- I can't find one. It's on her "Tell Me What You Know" CD.

                                                              "Song For My Sons"

This is a song for my sons for when they understand it
You know how life is full you know we couldn't plan it
your dad and I prayed for strength and understanding
for things we couldn't see or comprehend

This is a song for you, to carry in your pocket
take all our love with you in all the paths you walk in
I can't say your life will always go like it should
but I can say that God is always good

and when the cold wind blows like I know it will
and when you feel alone like I know you will
and when the cold wind blows like we know it will

Don't let your love grow
Don't let your love grow
Don't let your love grow cold

This is a song for my sons for when they understand it
You know how life is full you know we couldn't plan it
your dad and I prayed for strength and understanding
for things we couldn't see or comprehend

This is a song from my heart a small refrain to hold you
for times when we're apart and I cannot console you
Be honest with yourself and don't forget to pray
and read your bible everyday

and when the cold wind blows like I know it will
and when you feel alone like I know you will
and when the cold wind blows like I know it will

Don't let your love grow
Don't let your love grow
Don't let your love grow cold

This is a song for my sons for when they understand it
You know how life is full you know we couldn't plan it
your dad and I prayed for your strength and understanding
for things you cannnot see or comprehend.