Christmas Eve

I’ve always enjoyed Christmas Eve- sometimes more than Christmas Day itself! Being the last-minute person that I am, I am usually up late wrapping presents! Christmas Eve is a happy day for me- full of anticipation for the next day and peace over the fact that all my shopping is done! But, there is another reason that Christmas Eve will forever be special to me. Back in 1994 my family was in Iowa at my grandparent’s house. Surprisingly, Christmas was on a Sunday that year like it is this year! That year I had just turned 8. All of us kids, my siblings and cousins, had been sent to bed before the adults. I remember laying in the makeshift bed on the floor and unable to sleep- thinking and wondering. I guess that was the moment. When all that had been taught to me about Jesus and Heaven and eternity was finally starting to make sense! A Sunday School teacher had questioned the class I was in a week before and asked those who knew they were going to Heaven to raise their hand. I knew everyone else was, so I raised my hand. But that night in Iowa, I knew I had lied and I knew that I didn’t know for sure if I was going to Heaven or not. It bothered me enough that I went and found my mother. I don’t know what I told her, but she understood and took me into the sunroom where we talked in private about Jesus and how He saved me from my sin by taking it on Himself when He died on a cross. How He proved He was the Son of God by rising from the dead and how God simply desired me- a simple child- to tell Him that I believed it was true and that I knew I couldn’t save myself from my sin. That night, close to the Christmas tree I got on my knees and trusted in Christ alone to save me from my sin. That night, the Holy Spirit came into my life. That night, though I did not know it then, my life was changed! That night, in the house my mother grew up in, I found my Heavenly Father! This is why Christmas Eve is so special to me!

                Tonight I attended a Christmas Eve service and was so touched by the music and truth from God’s Word. They took the passage John 3:16 and talked and sang about it piece by piece. The very same passage my mother shared with me 22 years ago! As we sang of the angels bringing glory to God and the hope that the world will join in those praises, I see it! Maybe not the whole world- at least not this world- but I can see a people who have heard and understood and can finally praise the God who created them! I can see a hope for every nation because God has made a way for them to come! And I see my little nephew, innocently looking at me, and I know that one day he too will come to know the Jesus who we sing about! I think of the house in Iowa and hope that one day another child will find the joy of Christ within its walls! And, within the brokenness and strain of my little world I am reminded of joy and God’s faithfulness! Jesus wasn’t born into perfect circumstances and neither are we. So, tonight I am thankful! Thankful for His grace, mercy, love, and forgiveness extended to a young girl so long ago. Lord, help me cherish every aspect of those truths and remain faithful!   Merry Christmas!

Light in the Darkness

Three years. Three years ago I said goodbye to my sister. Sometimes it feels like she was just here and other times it feels like it was so long ago. I see my niece and my nephews and realize how fast life goes as they learn new things every week, as they grow and change. And then life seems to crawl when I look at my financial goals and the time it will take to get there!

Our church has a ministry for local children that I started helping with just this past year. It has been a challenge to me. Some of these kids have extremely difficult lives and are so desperate for attention. To explain a loving God and an absolute forgiving Savior is so difficult at times, but I want them to see it, to get it, to have hope. Yet it seems so dark and impossible.

A acquaintance posted a link yesterday that touched me more than she will ever know. It was on Psalm 139. Psalm 139 became precious to me several years back when I was attending Columbia International University. There was a dear friend from the church I attended who mentored me. Her favorite Psalm was this one and we read it often! Such precious words and promises! Years later, I read it to Amy and the family the last Sunday we spent together when we sang and worshipped in her bedroom with flowers and balloons and sunshine all around. The video showed just a part of the Psalm, but was so beautiful because of the precious people who quoted it! Here is the link to watch it…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fjLiH-J_O_4&feature=youtu.be

 It made me miss her so much more. Fearfully and wonderfully made, The body that made her so unique is no more. Words have come to her lips and strength to her legs. Yet her eyes still sparkle and her infectious giggle is probably bringing smiles to all! She was beautiful and she will continue to be until we see her face to face!

I grabbed my Bible to read the entire passage again and this time verses 11 and 12 jumped out to me. “If I say, ‘Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,’ even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.” Darkness is as light to the LORD! It can be so easy to get depressed over life. I freak out and think it is too dark, too impossible, it will take too long, change will never happen. Yet the darkness is not dark to Him! Especially a child’s soul! He sees the light and I need to trust Him! I need to trust that He will save. I need to trust that He will provide. I need to trust His timing and the tasks He wants me to accomplish.

If you think about it, please pray for these kids that need to understand and be changed by the saving love of Jesus Christ; that their lives and the lives of their families may be changed with the knowledge of the death and resurrection of Jesus. Pray for us on Wednesday nights- that the darkness will not hide the truth and that every word spoken from God will be clearly understood. Thank you! 

The Wonder of Change

Well, I feel for some reason I need to blog again. I am not very consistent with posting- simply writing when I feel led to. Thank you to those who are truly interested in my life and supporting me with your prayers.

This week I am taking a trip with my Mom. I’ve been desperate for a vacation and glad it is finally approaching. My life has had some changes in it and I know it always helps to get away for a while- to escape the normal and cherish it a little more when you return!

Two months ago I was laid off. Leaving work that day the radio sang out, “I know He holds my life, my future in His hands” [Because He Lives (Amen) by Matt Maher] and I knew all would be for His glory! The Lord graciously allowed my little niece to be born on the same day and gave me so much joy in the disappointment. I’m looking for a job and that comes with an entire bucket of frustrations, but I’m thoroughly enjoying the “time off” to love on my niece and nephew! They are growing so quickly and I keep having the nagging feeling that I won’t always be a part of their daily lives. They bring a smile to my face and heart!

I’ve been taking this time to go through all the boxes of “stuff” I’ve acquired through the years. It’s been a lot harder than I thought- not the decisions of what to part with, but the re-living of the memories. Realizing my selfishness as a teenager and the foolishness of my heart. How I wish I had cherished the people that matter the most. Friendships come and go- that’s part of life, but, I know now that my family will not always be there. My sister isn’t here to make any more memories with and I know that other families face that fact too. It’s a reality check, one that I am reminded of daily.

That is why a circumstance that could be upsetting is a precious gift from God! To spend time with my family and with the Lord has been such a huge blessing! Seeing the wonder and excitement of a child and knowing that I am God's- yet where is my wonder and excitement at the new things He shows me?

I have had some amazing times in God’s Word and He has been filling my dry soul with the water of His promises! I am amazed at how the Lord places me exactly where I need to be! I have watched Godly people speak His truth into individual’s lives and I am ready. I am ready to be the one speaking! Yet I am so humbled by my inadequacy and an overwhelming reality that I will never understand fully His grace, wisdom and sovereignty.

So, change is here once again. How will He use me? How will He instruct me? How will He love me? It's a wonder to discover! 

     

            

Great is Thy Faithfulness!

     The hymn "Great Is Thy Faithfulness" has been a favorite song that has followed me throughout my life but especially through my college years and beyond! It was one that I struggled to sing when times were hard and it took almost a year before I could play it in church after Amy died. I love the passage of scripture where it is quoted.... Lamentations 3:22-24 "Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassion's never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him.""

     This past year has been a busy one: my sister's engagement and marriage, a new car, a baby shower, my nephew's birth, a friend's wedding, a conference in Arizona, many friend's came to visit, a niece on the way, time together with family, and work. Work. That's a crazy word that satisfies many people's wondering's about my life. Well, the happenings of the past two weeks has jolted my life a bit and I would like to write a little about my one "job" that I had. It was a different kind of work and one that I am most grateful to have had and gone through.

                                

                   

                                 

      Dale and Dorthy had attended my church since I was a little girl, but I never really got to know them until I got a call from my pastor, met with their daughter, and started caring for them every weekend! It was a blessing to have another part-time job! Even though their health was bad and they were elderly, they taught me so much! They opened up their hearts to me! They were joyful and accepting of the help I gave them. Never have I met any couple who has been so thankful for each little thing that I did for them no matter if it was cooking super or combing their hair! Dorothy would kiss my hand and hold it to her face- her sign of affection and thankfulness and love. Dale was just so thankful and joyful for the smallest thing- like gumdrops and compliments! His laugh was infectious! They taught me so much about marriage, about life, about love. Many people knew them when they were younger and could get around better and communicate better. But the Lord knew I needed to know them now. Now, when Dale struggled to talk understandably and when Dorothy was so forgetful. They both struggled with various pains. Soon after I started working there was when Amy went into the hospital and joined the Lord shortly after. It was hard for me to care for Dale and Dorothy because of the various reminders of Amy's hospitalization, but it was so good for me to face them also. Through caring for them, I was able to force myself to see miracles in the little things again. I had time to study God's Word while they took their morning naps and I learned to sing again! They were much like my own grandparents that had entered heavens gates not too long ago. They had attended the same church and had "hung out" together! Dale was a veteran and so was my grandpa! Dorothy had loved to cook and garden, and so did my grandma!

                               

      Two weeks ago, Dorothy joined my grandma and grandpa and sister in heaven. She had struggled with a sickness and was ready to go. It was sad, it was hard. I was "The Greenawalt Girl" to her. She taught me how to do crossword puzzles and to realize that it can be exciting to watch cows! We enjoyed doing laundry together and eating and talking!

      Three days later- the day of Dorothy's funeral- I heard that Dale had joined her. It was unexpected and all were in shock. In all reality, I think he just wanted to be with her and couldn't wait any longer. There were times when they "put up" with each other, but there were other times that they were so sweet to one another! Dorothy may have forgotten many things, but she seemed to always remember that Dale was her husband! He checked on her often and if she got too worked up he would get up to find out what was wrong. He had a compassion and a love for her and for those who cared for him. He spoke his mind, but laughed things off- somehow forbidding the moment to turn awkward! He was the most fit and active older man that I have ever met!   

            

     Grief is a weird thing for me. There are little precious things that I see or experience that reminds me of the one I am missing. I tend to hold these moments in- not wanting to share them in case they may spoil simply by sharing them. But sometimes it is better to share- to help someone else see the legacy an individual left. It's how they continue to teach. When I experienced the lose of my sister, the thing I missed the most was sitting and holding her hand. Well, the Lord knew that and gave me such a great gift: to hold the hands of these two dear people and feed them and brush their hair and to sing to them- all the things that I had missed doing with my sister so much. It was a wonderful, wonderful gift! Though days were wearysome- it never really felt like a job. I was so blessed to have had these two people in my life! Heaven has healed them both entirely and I have healed through serving them. God has faithfully been weaving my path and has given me the strength I've needed so desperately at times! I am so thankful for His love and grace that have seen me through and will continue to surround me in the future! 

March 9th

    Today is March 9th. It would have been Amy's 32nd birthday. I don't know how to prepare for this day. Instead of celebrating, we take balloons to the cemetery. Missing her on my birthday is one thing, but missing her on her birthday is a whole different ball game. We are going away, it'll be a good distraction. 

    Last year around May or June I noticed a scripture calendar a friend gave me had been forgotten about in all that was going on. It was stopped on this day. And it remains on this day because this is what it says:

 "We throw open our doors to God and discover at the same moment that he has already thrown open his door to us. We find ourselves standing where we always hoped we might stand out in the wide open spaces of God's grace and glory, standing tall and shouting our praise. Romans 5:2 MSG" 

    It sits beside the pictures I have of Amy and reminds me that this day and every day she is standing tall and shouting her praise to the Lord in the glory of His presence!!!

Birthdays

    Birthday's can be a strange thing sometimes. It's the day people celebrate the day that God chose to bring them into this world. Today is my birthday. I realize I have been blessed beyond measure by the people God has brought into my life. From far and near, he has surrounded me with love! 
     Knowing my birthday and Thanksgiving was ahead, this week was not the easiest. Realizing Amy would be absent in it all is such a hard thing to swallow. Tears as I remembered birthday's past and knowing it would be different. But, Amy is in Heaven. And I started thinking- if we celebrate the day God brought us to this world, maybe we will celebrate the day God brought us into the next. Maybe there will be birthdays in Heaven- it may be on the day we accepted Christ Jesus as the only One who could save us from sin and Hell or it may be on the day we stepped from this earthly life into the Heavenly one! Maybe I'm a little crazy, but this was a thought I had and it gave me joy since Amy loved birthday's so much! 
       My co-workers celebrated my birthday on Wednesday because of the upcoming holiday. What a blessing they have all been to me! I felt so special! My family and I celebrated Thanksgiving on Thursday and since the family was together we opened presents. Blessings from friends from afar and thoughtful gifts from family. I wouldn't have had it any other way. Today I am shopping with my sister-in-law! Grateful for a day off and an adventure ahead as I tackle my first black Friday shopping!
        Amy is missed, it is hard, but- I am going to be thankful. Lately thankfulness has been hard to come by. I have let myself be led down paths of selfish resentment and depression. I have been avoiding God's Word and the results have not been the greatest. This must stop and I must begin to be thankful. 

This was my birthday last year- the pictures aren't the greatest, but Amy was there. I'm so glad for the birthday's I had with her!

God's love still amazes me. 

The Corn Tunnel

Throughout my life I have seen that I go through tunnels of waiting, discontentment, and fear at different stages. Then a big decision is made.

       Every day I drive through a farm just down the road. This Summer they planted the corn on both sides of the road. Some didn't like to drive through it because of the blind curb, but I saw it as a challenge. A challenge to God- a dare. Because my life was and is in His hands and He will take it when He chooses.

      But as Fall approached, I started to see that this stretch of road reminded me of where my life was at. I felt claustrophobic- I couldn't see what was next in my life. I was driving along and becoming tense over the curves in life, sometimes angry. I needed a change. I felt like I had been in a fog since Amy's heaven-going and my life was going nowhere. I wanted to be vibrant and beautiful and joyful like the bright colored leaves around me. I could see no way out, yet God knew- He knew the right time and place. He knew when I was truly ready. 

       And the decision came and the next step was presented. I was offered another job as a secretary/receptionist a little over a month ago. I had been working at Homewood for over two years. I loved the people and my co-workers. If I accepted this other job I would have to leave my comfortable road I was on and venture out. I was scared. I felt guilty. I was so close to thinking God had given up on me and my family- that He didn't care. I thought and prayed a little and made a decision. It was time for the corn to come down. It was time for me to break down the walls of my own selfishness and fear. It was time for a hard, but necessary change. God knew what was best. It was time to trust Him. 

       So three weeks ago I said goodbye to the job I knew, the people who had lifted me and my family up in prayer during the hardest time in our lives, and the dear friends I had made. I sobbed buckets as I walked to my car that day. But I was at peace and knew it was right. 

        And I started anew. A new job, new hours, new co-workers, and new things to learn. Once again I'm the new kid on the block! God has blessed me so much and He knew I needed this! I love to experience new things. Every experience and every job is either preparing me for something or shaping my character to be more how God wants me to be. He has provided and I am happy.

        The past two weeks the corn has been cut down on the farm- stored in barns for the winter, a new scene and a new speed. Looking towards the spiritual change about to awaken also! Missing Amy, but looking ahead through the tears to discover His love in the midst of it all.                                                       

Thoughts and Blessings

Sometimes I just cry. Some days I'm just sad. Some moments I just miss her so much.

Even though I have had a hard time reading God's Word, I have continued to be encouraged with music. Many artists are such an encouragement to me and many times the radio plays something that is so in tune to my heart. But a while ago I heard a song on the radio, "Who You Are" by JJ Heller. It was beautiful, but it bugged me. Within the song she says that God knows what it's like to lose a child. I just couldn't see that and I still don't. I talked with a friend about it and she agreed with my concerns and helped me understand a little better. I was frustrated with God for months because He didn't know. The "why" question always resurfaces. What I believe is that God never "lost" Jesus. The only moment Jesus was apart from His Father was when God placed the weight of the entire world's sin- past, present, and future- on His body and had to turn away and let Him suffer. That is the only way we could be saved. That is why Jesus said, "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?" and "I thirst." After that Jesus committed His spirit back to God before He died. God was never far from His Son. God does NOT know what it's like to lose a child. But God does know what it is like to watch your child suffer. And God has a character that can understand hurt and grief because He knows our thoughts and loves us. I tell this to you as a warning. Watch what you say to someone who is grieving- make sure it is Biblical encouragement and not just something that sounds nice!

There have been days that are hard and there have been days where blessings can be seen. It's so easy to look at the hard and dismiss the good. Yet I can't. In the little things there is a peace and happiness that God gives- like He's giving me a hug and saying it's ok and that He's here with me. So, here are a few blessings that God has granted me this past month. Things that bring a smile to my face and joy to my heart:
    ~ A sweet visit with a friend who's expecting her little one any day now. Conversation that flowed so smoothly- talking about Amy without the look of pity, but the look of understanding.
    ~ A friend giving me work shirts she didn't need. Just when I was about to buy some!
    ~ Appreciative people at work.
    ~ A new kitten- "Little Bit" or "Bitty"
    ~ A phone call with a friend from CIU. Talking about our sisters- hers has special needs too. Remembering the feelings of not understanding, learning to see how God used Amy to bring joy and love, and such a longing for glory and the joys that awaited. Realizing that she is there and experiencing them.
     ~ A photo shoot with my sister-in-law!
     ~ Seeing our neighbor's calf out running in the pasture
     ~ A new month- fall leaves are starting to show. And life is changing around us once more as winter approaches.

       The biggest blessing, though, was spending Labor Day with my sister. A whole day, just the two of us. We hiked and took pictures and saw beautiful things and talked. Amy was never far from our thoughts, 'cause she would have loved it! The water, the wind, the music. We wish for her presence, yet know she is happy. It is a blessing to have other siblings to share with. I can't imagine what it would be like without them. 

A Wedding Weekend!

          There are hymns that I tend to sing at various stages of my life. After high school it was, Great Is Thy Faithfulness. After Word of Life it was, Blessed Assurance. Now, for some reason, it is Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing. Is it because my heart is longing for blessings more than it ever has- because the biggest blessing has been taken? For those of you who don't know it, the lyrics are...

Come thou fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace
Streams of mercy never ceasing
Call for songs of loudest praise

Teach me some melodious sonnet
Sung by flaming tongues above
Praise the Mount I'm fixed upon it
Mount of Thy redeeming love

Here I raise my Ebeneezer
Hither by Thy help I come
And I hope by Thy good pleasure
Safely to arrive at home

Jesus, sought me when a stranger
Wondering from the fold of God
He, to rescue me from danger
Interposed His precious blood

Oh to grace, how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be
Let Thy goodness like a fetter
Bind my wandering heart to Thee

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it
Prone to leave the God I love
Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it
Seal it for Thy courts above

         About three weeks ago we packed our bags for a weekend and headed west. My girlfriend had surprised me by showing up to my brothers wedding a couple years ago and I was super excited to return the favor! The surprise went off wonderfully and her sister was so honored in our coming! I was not prepared for the Lord to speak to ME or my parents. I was there to help out with the wedding, to be the "single" friend that provides fellowship when siblings depart.
         But... the Lord puts you in places when your heart is ready and tender and uses instances to speak to you. The wedding ceremony was that place and time. The tears started as the father prayed before releasing her to her husband, I was in awe of the woman standing there. She who lives a life of such purity before the Lord. Not physical purity, though I have no doubts about that, but a SPIRITUAL purity- who has sought Him with her whole life. The ceremony continued- beautiful vows, a lesson on marriage, two candles united. They were presented as a married couple and then we sang. 
         We sang three songs- the view was entirely on the Lord and not the couple. That's when it hit me-hard. Here was a marriage and Christ calls us his beloved. He wants the bond of a marriage with us. He wants an intimacy in what I share with Him and a listening heart. And there was a break in my hard heart. For God's Word has had no appeal to me for quite some time. God had spoken through music and people and thoughts, yet I had pushed aside the Book He wrote for me. I had despised it. The song said, "You've always loved me before I'd even heard, and called me while I despised Your every word." I felt like the harlot that Hosea was commanded to love. Yet it was God loving me. And it was sung, "My heart owns none above You, for Your rich grace I thirst." And I realized I was thirsty again. Thirsty for God, my Kinsman Redeemer. And ready to start healing. Though healing was not present in Amy's life, it needs to start in mine. 
        The rest of the weekend was so refreshing spiritually. A young adult class that was studying Philippians- a book I had dwelt on daily in my last semester of college. And a hymn-sing that included the one I mentioned above.

Two lovely ladies I am honored to know!

       Now, a few weeks later life has taken some hard turns. Emotional healing will be slow and painful- just like physical healing. Sometimes it won't be fun. I am glad to have my family around me. I am glad for the prayers of friends. I am glad for the Lord, who's encouraging Word is there- ready for me. 
      
  

Of "ministry" and "worship"

About two months ago I wrote the following...
     "Those who know me well know that when they ask me how I'm doing I will say "good" every time. If I'm having a particularly hard day I'll say "okay." I don't open up unless I'm pried open- like a can needing to be punctured first. Lately I haven't known what to think- kinda like a diabetic shock, going through life in a haze. Planting, weeding, watering, watching Alias with my Mom, reading books, going through work with a fake smile plastered on my face.
     But now I'm tired. I'm tired of hiding it all in, tired of acting like I'm okay. My sister is gone and NOTHING is the same. And life hurts and we argue and make a big deal about stuff that doesn't matter in eternity. Not one family in this world is perfect. Not one life. There is sin everywhere and I'm tired of people making a big deal out of some sin and not others. Can't we just be honest and stop with the secrets? Why can't we accept that we will NEVER attain perfection? I will never be good enough to meet my own standards, much less anyone else's. And I should never require perfection from another."
   
    Since then, I have thought over these feelings more. I had a friend come and visit me for a few days. This action of love forced me to go through my belongings I had acquired since the passing of my sister and grandfather. Tears came, but I picked myself up and knew I was going to have a good time with her and revisit the past and talk of the future. She was one of my first roommates in college and picking up a relationship seven years later I thought would be hard, but personalities rarely change and it was like we had shared our lives with each other all along. What a comfort her visit brought! And my hazy existence turned a page to what lies ahead. 
    Lately I've been thinking about the terms "ministry" and "worship". Personally, I think they coincide with one another. I was asked a while ago what my summer ministry would be this year and I was flabbergasted at the question. I was upset and it took me some time to realize why. Several years ago my mother taught me a very valuable lesson about "ministry" and "worship". Sometimes caring for Amy was very hard on my mother. It was redundant and she would be drained emotionally and physically at times. But, at some point, she took these emotions to the Lord and one day she shared with me that our loving God had shown her that caring for Amy was HER worship of HIM. Every diaper, spoonful of food, wheelchair restriction was her ministry to the Lord. And I saw a change from that point on. THIS is why I get upset when asked about ministry. Ministry is not just the various church activities we are involved in. God is glorified in our normal everyday things- it is the life He has put before us. And God knows the outcomes of our lives. I'm not saying that outreach or singing in church aren't necessary, just that God is glorified just as much, if not more with what we give him every day.
     And sometimes life sucks and I have to pull myself up off the ground and look. Look to see what He has put in place for me to worship Him through. Amy knew this lesson. She worshiped Him through every trial put her way with a smile on her face- you could see the joy in her heart! I only hope I can mimic that the rest of my life. 

Three Months...

     Amy and I had a movie we loved to watch called "Spirit". Many of Amy's movies I'd get tired of after a while, but this one I could never pull away from. Amy had a horse and I think Mom bought the movie for her. It's about a wild horse that is taken captive by western soldiers for labor, who escapes thanks to a native american and falls in love with his horse. The horse has many trials, but always wants to return to his  home in the wild. So, why is this movie so meaningful? 
    Amy had the soundtrack to the movie and would listen to it sometimes as she went to sleep. After we kissed her goodnight we'd turn off the light and turn on her music. This was the ritual for a long time- like many parents do. I've spent quite some time away from home through the years and have missed the evenings together. When I was home I'd lay with her in her bed and listen to her music with her and sing and talk to her. Oh, how I long for that time again. I have a few of her nightclothes and you can still smell just a hint of her. It's amazing what a smell can conjure in your heart.
     Well, there is this song from Spirit called "I Will Always Return" and I would sing it to her and tell her that no matter where I go, how far or how long, I will always return home to her.... I never imagined she wouldn't be home to return to one day. Every time I pull  up to the house I habitually look for her horse and it's not there either. I knew I needed to listen to the song again and the other day I did- and I burst out in tears.    
       'Cause she's HOME. And I hope she's running like a horse and flying like an eagle and all the cool and awesome things she's always wanted to do but could never tell me about. She is where she belongs. Another song from the CD says, "this place is paradise- it's the place I call home." She's seeing sunsets and rainbows. On July 4th, we witnessed a beautiful, vibrant double rainbow right in front of us- I just imagined Amy asking God, "Oh, can you put a rainbow right here. Right where I'd be if I were there!" 
          I can't "return" to Amy- but one day I will join her and we'll run and fly together! Now I'M "on my way home" because this world is not paradise- just glimpses of it! Three months ago, she slept in her bed for the last time and in the afternoon she "shone like the sun" as she entered heaven- her home.

                                            http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kXmmkvdIrHk

My Daddy, when the cold wind blows

           There is a song I have been reminded of a lot this past week. Emotionally it's been a hard week and I will blog more on that later. Today is Father's Day. Today there is one less child in our household to celebrate with. And my Daddy misses his Daddy.
          We've had some chilly winds these past few days and Sara Groves writes such good songs. This song is called "Song for my Sons," but what is said can be said for daughter's as well. It takes a great parent to know and accept that hard times will come in the life of their child or family. It takes a godly parent to say they will pray for strength and understanding when they don't know what's ahead. It takes a wise parent to caution their child about their ability to let their love grow cold and to remind them of God's goodness in the midst of turmoil.
           I am blessed with great, godly, and wise parents. My own fears have been stilled by watching them walk through grief. My daddy has so much compassion in his heart and it has been so easy to have love for my heavenly father because I have so much love for my earthly father. My daddy prays for his children, he provides for us, he loves us. And there is no way a child can ever repay that.
           Sorry I have no video or website to link- I can't find one. It's on her "Tell Me What You Know" CD.

                                                              "Song For My Sons"

This is a song for my sons for when they understand it
You know how life is full you know we couldn't plan it
your dad and I prayed for strength and understanding
for things we couldn't see or comprehend

This is a song for you, to carry in your pocket
take all our love with you in all the paths you walk in
I can't say your life will always go like it should
but I can say that God is always good

and when the cold wind blows like I know it will
and when you feel alone like I know you will
and when the cold wind blows like we know it will

Don't let your love grow
Don't let your love grow
Don't let your love grow cold

This is a song for my sons for when they understand it
You know how life is full you know we couldn't plan it
your dad and I prayed for strength and understanding
for things we couldn't see or comprehend

This is a song from my heart a small refrain to hold you
for times when we're apart and I cannot console you
Be honest with yourself and don't forget to pray
and read your bible everyday

and when the cold wind blows like I know it will
and when you feel alone like I know you will
and when the cold wind blows like I know it will

Don't let your love grow
Don't let your love grow
Don't let your love grow cold

This is a song for my sons for when they understand it
You know how life is full you know we couldn't plan it
your dad and I prayed for your strength and understanding
for things you cannnot see or comprehend.

A Weekend with Friends

Last week I went away.

I left my home where so many reminders of Amy dwell and went down south. I’ve made this trip many times- down to the place where I spent 3 years of my life, got an education, and made a lot of friends. I’d been planning this trip for about a year and it could not be postponed. I knew it would be good for me, but I was scared. Scared that I’d have to open up more deeply, scared that I would not be able to be joyful on this trip that should be treasured.

I heard a song on the radio that I had sung before, but had not heard for a while. It’s called “Gratitude” and is a prayer asking God for rain, food, shelter, and peace but if He does not give them we will still thank Him for what we do have and for the lessons He will teach us through that (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-PEzM-4VXdg). My mother and I talked before I left about looking again for the gifts God’s giving us daily. Thankfulness sparks joy. But, I’m not there yet.

I was happy last weekend. We visited old places we would hang out and did things we had wanted to do together. We talked about our lives and our future plans. In a way, we were reliving the past- but I knew the whole time that Amy wasn’t there. She wasn’t a phone call away or waiting for me when I got home like she had been. So many reminders of her no matter where I go. But my friends were there- a miracle in itself- so we laughed and gave back massages and explored and ate. We spent the precious time God gave us with one another. I am so thankful God allowed us to be together once again.

 And I was so proud of my dear friend who persevered and stayed to get her Master's degree. I'm so glad to have gotten to share life with her- some friendships will last a lifetime! 

And as I drove home I realized that I was ready to accept the change. My college years have ended- the campus does not excite me anymore. My friends have parted ways and their lives are changing also. And home will never be the same.

It’s time for me to accept the fact that life will never return to the way it was.

My priorities have changed- I view relationships more highly now than I ever did. Certain topics seem so meaningless now in view of eternity and the temporariness of life here on earth. My goals have changed with the realization of God’s sovereignty that overrules any dreams I have. Before I was just going through the motions of what had to be done. Now it’s settling in my heart. I’m ready to teach again. I’m ready to sing and play in church again. I’m ready to work. Yet, I want to spend the precious moments God gives me with my family.

Amy gave us joy. It was her daily gift to our family and we are left without it- wondering how to retain it again. We are different and I feel somewhat lost. I wish I could have that deep down happiness again- but it's just too full of sadness and missing her right now. 

Somehow, at some point, with God's help and direction, joy will return.

She has hind's feet in the High Places!

So many memories flood our lives. So many reminders of Amy. Things she would love, things she did, things that happened. Just this morning, I was thinking about when we would help Amy walk and she would walk a few steps with us in front of her and then just stop- she had had enough and she wasn't budging anymore. She knew we would carry her the rest of the way and would laugh about it! 

I was talking to a friend the other day and she was describing how I'm feeling in such a pointed way that I knew the Holy Spirit was talking through her. How it seems like there is this mountain in front of me that I don't know how to get over and that at times I just feel so dry and thirsty. Little memories are my sips of water and they come infrequently, but at the times when I need them the most. 

I've been reading a book, "Hinds Feet in High Places," for a little over a year now. God knew I needed to pick the book back up when Amy was in the hospital and has provided just the right chapters. Almost a week ago, I had one of those nights when I felt so thirsty for a glimpse of Amy, for that feeling of her presence and God gave me a dream that night. A dream where I carried her and she felt so heavy (she really wasn't) and I was exhausted when I woke up. I usually read my Bible in the morning, but I had left it downstairs and so I read the next chapter in "Hinds Feet In High Places" (spoiler alert- if you are presently reading this book you might want to skip to the end of the post!). The main character is called Much-Afraid and (like Pilgrim's Progress) has taken this journey that the Shepherd has sent her on because He promised to make her crippled feet like hind's feet. She has endured much along this journey- taunting from Bitterness, Fear, Resentment, Pride, Self-Pity and precipices so steep or low that makes her doubt the Shepherd's wisdom. But the Shepherd gives her two companions to help her called Suffering and Sorrow. She finally she reaches a place where she is at peace and the final challenge she faces is to willingly have the flower of human love ripped from her heart. After that she sleeps and awakes in a green valley with vibrant flowers and birds singing and butterflies and insects and a river flowing.     

And here are excerpts from what I read that morning... 

   "The first thing she did, after she had taken in her surroundings, was to step toward the river which gushed out from under the alter. It drew her irresistibly. She stooped down when she got to the back and dabbled her fingers in the crystal water. It was icy cold, but it sent a shock of ecstasy tingling through her body, and without further delay she put off the white linen robe she was wearing and stepped into one of the rocky pools. Never had she experienced anything so delicious and exhilarating. It was like immersing herself in a stream of bubbling life. When at last she again stepped out of the pool she was immediately dry and tingling from head to foot with a sense of perfect well-being.

    As she stood on the mossy bank by the pool she happened to glance down and noticed for the first time that her feet were no longer the crooked, ugly things which they had always been, but were "straight feet," perfectly formed, shining white against the soft green grass.

As I read and wept I was reminded again that Amy's feet were given strength again and that perhaps there was a beautiful valley that she could discover each of the new abilities she received one at a time- her voice could speak and sing and she could run her fingers through her hair and pick and eat berries and all the many little things she can take joy in!

 It gave me peace and a realization that the memories and dreams I have are not her now. And a part of me is sad, because I can't help her anymore. Even in Heaven I won't be feeding her, carrying her, fixing her hair. She does those things on her own now. We will just be sisters- there for each other, talking and laughing together, sharing moments. It's a new role I have to prepare myself for and it's a little hard to swallow even though it will be grand and glorious when it happens. The mountain of grief and uncertainty about the future is high and it is only the Lord who will get me over it. And, like it's been my whole life, I'm going to have to go one step at a time. 

No Words

I haven't known what to say.
I've never been very good at communication, but lately it's been worse. I haven't been able to even tell myself what my heart is feeling. It's just all jumbled up inside and the only thing that keeps me sane sometimes is to keep busy- to do something.
I read a novel this weekend. "Catching Fire"- the second book in the Hunger Games series. It was nice to place my emotions and thoughts into something fictional for a while. Some place that had it a lot worse than I do- even if it doesn't exist. In some weird way, it helps to read about others suffering too. I found comfort in reading Lamentations also- it was the first book I landed on after the dry spell. Now I am turning to 2 Corinthians. 
Words are my love language. I can be encouraged or depressed based on something someone has said or written to me. I have been encouraged by phone calls, voicemails, facebook messages, and cards from friends and strangers alike. But, I don't have words for my parent's grieving hearts. I don't have words for my own heart- just the simple truths of God's Word. My words have hurt, because my heart hurts. 
I've heard a song on the radio a lot: "Let my words be life, let my words be truth. I don't wanna say a word, unless it points the world back to you." (Hawk Nelson, "Words") And it hit me. 

Amy had no words either. 

She spoke with her eyes and her heart.

And that was enough. 

Her first audible sentence was in praise to the Lord. 

And it puts me to shame at the foolish words and conversations I've had. Amy spoke volumes, yet with no voice. I have a voice, and how many times have I used it to point the world back to the God who gave me that voice? Rarely. 

I had an invitation to hear Stuart McAllister tonight- a well-known biblical speaker. At any other time I would have jumped for the opportunity. Living in the little town we do, we rarely have opportunities like this. I love listening to him on the radio and respect his teachings a lot! But I couldn't tonight- my heart was too full. I knew it would be too much. But he is just a man speaking words. Yes, they are words of wisdom from God's Word and I know all who hear him will be blessed. But I also know that I will see him in Heaven one day and we can talk for hours about the Lord. Him and Ravi Zacharias and Amy! And the words will flow clearly and thoughts will be understood and hearts will be full of praise to the Lord!   

It's been a hard winter...

Two weeks ago today my sister walked into Heaven. This morning someone came and took her wheelchairs. Thinking through this task last night I realized that the wheelchair was not a restriction to Amy- it was her freedom on earth. We took her everywhere we possibly could in those chairs! We were annoyed with places that weren't accessible and carried her up places some people would have thought dangerous. Amy's chains was her physical body and her chains are now gone and now I'm hoping someone who also has physical earthly chains can use the wheelchairs that are no longer needed for Amy.... 

It's been a hard winter.

My brother and sister-in-law went to Montana for the winter. 

I started a weekend job taking care of an elderly couple.

A friend, diagnosed with cancer, started treatments. 

My grandfather entered Heaven in January. 

A friend's baby entered Heaven. 

And then Amy... 

We spent a month in the hospital getting our hopes up and dashed daily. 

She was a gem in our lives. 

Her gift was her smile and the twinkle in her eyes!

Oh how I miss her- the squeeze of her hand, her laughter, her presence. 

How I wish I had spent more time with her. 

I so look forward to spending eternity with her- to hear what her voice sounds like, to see her eating all her favorite foods, to see her praising God with her whole body! 

And now we start a new chapter- whether we like it or not. 

I'm realizing how important people are and how selfish I've been. 

God placed Amy in our lives to show us His love. 

I don't care what God wants to do with me, where He wants me to be. 

I just want to show others His love- like Amy did. 

I'm tired of throwing temper tantrums at God- if my dreams are not His then I'm ready to accept that. 

I'm still struggling with why and I'm still hurting- a lot. 

A Year To Review

Where to begin... One year ago to date I was flying home. I landed in the USA before this day was over. Much has changed since then, but it feels like I was just there. Life has moved on in Thailand, South Carolina, and even Pennsylvania. Babies have been born....  

Rice has been planted and harvested once more...

And little boys have grown...

But, I realize that much has happened in my own life.

Our family shared Christmas together. A new family member was met...

Then back down to Columbia, South Carolina to finish the college education I had started 7 years ago.

The three years spent at Columbia International University were wondrous gifts from God. 

 I learned to live on my own- choosing to rent with some friends off-campus

The times I shared with them were precious! We learned from one another and encouraged each other!

A friend of mine was married in South Dakota. So I did a quick weekend out there...

What an godly example this couple was to me and I was blessed to have the opportunity to share it with them!

A package from Thailand, thrilled my heart- even though it went to Canada first!

My church did a missions conference and for the first time I was a missionary representing a country at a missions conference. 

Many happy adventures happened with my friend Sue...

...and I was so grateful for the chances we had to get away from the books and relax!

And my housemate was such an encouragement to me!

And then, it was nearing an end. My parents came down for graduation and was so glad they could meet my South Carolina "parents!"

Vince and Jan have been God's grace to me through my college years- providing not only a retreat for me, but spiritual mentorship and deep counselling. 

And goodbyes were said. To my church...

... my friends, my life. 

I had prayed to stay... and God told me to go. 

Go back to the mission field of Bedford County.

Go back to educate those I meet about missions.

Go back...

I stopped to visit a missionary on my way home and she encouraged me that this will be a good time.

A time to grow and develop spiritual habits before I start overseas. 

I praise the Lord for this woman who took time to counsel me, even when her mother had passed away the day before.

I returned home to summer weather and family and flowers. I went cherry picking for the first time with my sister-in-law.

I worked on two summer classes and finally received my diploma in August! What a relief! 

My mom went out to Iowa for a week and my dad and I did some sight-seeing around DC.

We had a beautiful autumn. The leaves were so bright with color.

We took a quick visit down south again to see friends...

       

... and my aunt recently visited for Thanksgiving weekend with my cousin and her friend.

My sister was baptized this past Sunday and many were touched by her bravery and testimony. But that is another story to tell and there are so many other "graces" that have happened in this past year. 

I guess I'm reflecting more on my birthday this year instead of New Years. 

Lately I've been discouraged and yesterday God brought a co-worker into my life to speak truth to me. 

Last night I read Psalm 27:13-14 in a new light: "I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD." 

I apologize that I have not been faithful with this blog. It is hard for me to remember that there are still things to share. I'm living at home and working. My life is not filled with elephants and open markets and motorcycle rides. But so many times I am reminded of that life. But I will approach that subject later!

This was a long post and it took me quite a while to write. It is now November 30th- no longer the 29th and around this time last year I was crawling into my bed after 3 months of being in a country I will never forget.